...self-doubt

...masama ka ejme
...mali ka.

kausap ko kaninang umaga si macar tungkol sa bumagabag-sa-akin-magdamag-kagabi.umikot ung usapan sa justice... pagiging unfair ng isang tao, how judgmental people can get..ang lumabas pa, i am beginning to doubt the people around me. gaano ba ko kasiguradong mapagkakatiwalaan sila kung closeness nila ang mga taong di ko mapagkakatiwalaan?! ang sama mang sabihin, pero un na talaga e. paranoia is setting in. un ung masama dun. it's unfair to question a person's trust, pero ano magagawa ko kung un na lang parati nangyayari? paranoid na nga ako ika nga. this paranoia is unfair para dun sa mga taong kinukwestyon ko. mali un..masama un.one way to suppress this paranoia is to confront the people involve. in this way i'll not be unfair to them.

"minsan mabuti rin ang may kaaway. natutulak kang maging malakas at matatag."--> hindi exact quotation pero close enough. ayan..nakuha from "save the last dance for me". waw...amazing...

nakausap ko ren si jamie, tungkol naman sa lovelife. (weh!?)love..di yan sinusukat kung mas matimbang ba o hindi. hindi rin necessary na tapatan to. ang mahalaga your love is TRUE. waw...amazing.
love need not be measured, for none has the scale. all it needs is to be real and true. in terms of sincerity, and not measurement.

...haaaay...."i love you more today than yesterday. but not as much as tomorrow."
haaay..(ulet)...


[pay your debts]

[--struck]

...a magical night passed once again.

haaay...i'm still stuck, either Starstruck or another *-struck. lovestrcuk? hmmm...dunno...pero most likely not. a lot happenned last night and i'm not in the mood to relive all the events. *sigh.. i'm still struck.

marami rin naman ako nasayaw, di nga lang lahat. wala akong nasayaw from the juniors. sayang, hinanap ko pa man din sila.
masaya yung mga nasayaw ko kaya ok na ren. marami akong na-witness na moments ok na ren. magaganda naman ung mga slow music kaya ok.

nasayaw ko siya... 2 songs pa nga e....kaso ba't ganun? there's this *feeling* (unknown feeling)..ipagpalagay na nating alanganin. ...ang ewan... can't describe it.

haaay... grad ball na next...dun na ko babawi...
..kung meron kailangang bawiin.


blue green red

i love you guys!

[pay your debts]

pre-prom gitties...dugyot!!!

ang dugyot ng araw na to...soober. dugyutin!
a ewan...kanino ko ba napulot ang salitang to?..ahaehehe, syempre sa isang dugyot din. oi dugyot, masaya ka na sa piling nya? ahehe...nagdate pa pala kayo...ahem.

ang dugyot ng araw...ang init tapos kahit magpakalunod sa tubig wala ren, dehydrated ren agad. ahem...eto ung physical sensations sa araw na ito... dumako na tayo sa mas comprehensibong pagtingin. hala..dama ko na yan...

naayos na ung gusot with me bestfriends...yey!? dahil naayos ko na yung isshue with me bestfriends, unti-unti nang nagbabalik na ang aking metaphoric powers at emphatic perception (naks..super hero).

so dapat ok na ko, right? e, how come i feel lonely kanina? hmm..may pagkasenti-sentihan pa ren. nakakalungkot... my facial muscles and tissues were dragged down by this loneliness and gravity as well. haaay...bothered na naman (ulit) ako. pero this time it concerns another friend. pansin ko lang kanina iba kinikilos nya..he's in the "state" na naman and i feel helpless dahil di ko kayang ma-penetrate ung hard shell na ini-impose niya. haaay..i better give him more time para sa sarili niyang reflection and internalization. tama lang un...

...haaay...prom na bukas. exciting ba dapat?...
prepared na lahat ng susuutin ko. ..sana maganda ang mga pangyayari tomorrow night. haaay...another magical night.

dancing all out in the open

swaying to the tunes of love

all the hugs and kisses exchanged

as we witness full luna above

...wish you'd..."save the last dance for me".

lahat ng problema'y isayaw na lang, hayaang lunurin ng mahalinang musika. ahem.


[pay your debts]

:::..torn...:::

[kuno]
ang hirap buuin ng pagkakaibigan.. mga gawaing di naisipang para sa kanila.. kunwari.. kaya nga inimbitahan bilang percussion-ist.. kasi feeling ko.. baka naiisip mo.. na di ka namin naiisasama.. or.. di mo na nakakasama si bam.. well.. di naman ako yung mahalaga sa iyo diba.. si bam lang.. ako lang ata yung isa sa tagaubos ng kanyang oras na pwedeng pwede mawala sa buhay mo.. sino lang ba ko para sa iyo.. the same thing goes with.. including you in the masterplan.. you are the omniscient human who just sits and waits.. it's not the task.. the tasks were given at random.. olats sabihin.. pero mahal kita.. bilang kaibigan.. di bilang takbuhan.. pero.. open up kasi.. siguro kay bam open kayong dalawa.. perhaps.. more open si bam sayo.. and vice-versa compared to me and you.. and me and bam.. pag-usapan mabuti..
[kuno end]

all the mushiness aside...natutunaw ako. daya mo! hate it when you know the right thing to say...blog ko to, sasabihin ko ung totoo (ewan ko lang kung dapat nyo pa mabasa to).

i love you too, as the same level as yours ... mukhang higit pa nga e..
pero kasi, this is not a matter of friends-having-no-time right now. i'm once again caught in the middle of the battlefield of my internal struggles. it's so hard to be torn into two, having to choose only one when in fact you want both.let's put it this way, it's like having a half-filled glass of water. there are two ways of describing it, one would be that it is half-filled with water. the other would be that it is half empty. do you get what i mean?

---wanderer
i lost too much for giving so much
i want to bring it back, not all but at least most of it,..
and in doing so, i'll have to lose
..you.
---

:::iyak ako dito...

daya!!! lugi...nalulugi ang kiosk ko!!!
ano na ba talaga?..hmm...ewan...
gusto ko isabog pero ayaw kong masabugan
gusto ko lundagin pero ayokong mahulog
gusto kong ibaba pero hindi na makakabangon
lahat na gusto ko, at the same time ayaw.

no more choice but to let the star's shine go dim and dark...
but if the light won't permit to have the star commit
then the night would once again be lit.

:::iyak muna ulit..

[pay your debts]

can't find you here...by my side_-

bt ba gnun?...unti-unting bumibilis...kaya lalong nahuhuli.

-_-
nga pala...ako pala c ejme,
takbuhan ng mga sakit ng ulo
kahit san pa ko andun kyo.
isang tingalaan lang,kita nyo ko
kahit san pa ko, di na makalalayo.
ang di makalaya..yan c ejme.
-_-

this is also posted on "somebody's" blog-slash-site.do i have to explain?... teka...copy paste ko pa ito:
:::
Name: "somebody"*** (name's been altered)
Email:
IP Address: 210.23.188.212
Date: Thu Feb 17 21:40:08 PHT 2005
hajime ejme
may i leave now? -_-
whenever you want.. are you asking permission? or just informing?
anything you want.. wherever you will go.. i'll follow you..
:::

haaay...wherever i'll go, you'll follow?...how come i'm alone?..how come you're not here?pwede ba wag na lang magsalita kung mas matimbang ung actions, words aren't enough..it just adds up to my hurting...(?)
haaay...where are you now?... won't you come and find me?..
kung ganon...then i can say i'm really lost.

-_i'm lost...but it's yours_-

[pay your debts]

where should i be?

...the feeling of longing is starting to bud...
take note: starting.

what do i really want to do with my life? what's wrong?..am i willing to lose my best friends? i'm totally confused for a part of me doesn't like to lose them..and the other part is that i want to brush them away. di ko naman talaga sila pinagtatabuyan,pero i'm not accepting also. you can't stand them but you want them to stand still. this is quite unfair for their part for it seems their efforts are worthless. they've already attempted to crack this clam of mine, but each attempt was just brushed away by me. *sigh...i don't know what i'm doing anymore. my only way of surviving this rampage is to totally shut myself out of their lives. i'll never bother them again...forever. that'll be easier for me lalo na't patapos na ang high school eventually malalayo talaga ako sa kanila. pero, gusto ko nga ba talagang malayo?...itatapon ko na lng ba lahat nung napagsamahan namen?...kaya ko bang mabuhay out of guilt in the future? ... will i never regret these in the future?.. regret's one of the harsh things in this world and i don't want to be regretful.

haaaay...di ko na talaga alam kung saan ako lulugar. i'm so weak tama si phi. (as if siya malakas..hmph!). i'm not sure what's suppossed to be my disposition. grrrgh...i'm lost... all the pieces are falling one by one... if this rampage is not ceased for these remaining days,it might be too -tooo- late.

right now...i'm going offline and lay out all my cards on the table..i'll have to gamble.
i'm gonna call her now.. try to fix and save what's need to be saved.

aja!(ahehe..)
-_-

[pay your debts]

you said it before...

i've finally found the lyrics of my song-for-the-whole-week. suffering the pain makes one depressed and lonesome... kaya eto,eto ang mga pinagkakaabalahan ng mga malulungkot.

pre-valentine syndrome epal! bukas, i'll have to suffer the consequences of my fate. should have heed the warnings of the past. how foolish am i to have returned to the past. hate it! have to save what's left for me. onting panahon na lang and i'd be back in the shell,where i was freed from.

i don't have to call on catherine for my word of the day. my word for the day is "huli na". yes...too late, delayed. haay..halos lagi naman e, huli na kaya tuloy napipilitang magcram. but this time, uh-uh! it's not crammable^. it's too late so it has to remain this way. it can not be taken back easily.

---
How Could You Say You Love Me
by Sarah Geronimo
You say that you've always been true
Lookin' in your eyes I see you lie
You're trying hard to hide that
There's someone new you found and
You want me to believe that you still care

How can you hurt me this way
Everything I knew was loving you
How could you try pretending
Your love was never ending
Now you can't even say that you will stay

How, how could you say you love me
When you would go and leave me
How could you make me hurt so bad
When I have loved you more than anyone can do
Can't believe the pain
That I'm feeling now because of loving you

How can you hurt me this way
Everything I knew was loving you
How could you try pretending
Your love was never ending
Now you can't even say that you will stay

How, how could you say you love me
When you would go and leave me
How could you make me hurt so bad
When I have loved you more than anyone can do
Can't believe the pain
That I'm feeling now because of loving you

I can't seem to understand
How can love be so unkind?
Still you broke my heart despite what I've done
Still my love was not enough
Though I've given you my allI can't take it anymore

How could you say you love me
When you would go and leave me
How could you make me hurt so bad
When I have loved you more than anyone can do
Can't believe the pain
That I'm feeling now because of loving you
---

no more false hopes... it'd be easier this way.
i just hope this would not be something that i'd regret big time.

once again..
i live my life each day as if it were the end of oblivion.

"save the last dance for me"..addict na ba?

nahanap ko na ung lyrics nung intro song ng "save the last dance for me"!!
it's entitled "give my love" by edward chun.
and also, here's a pic of the lead actor, ji sung playing the role of Francis/Adrian. pero dapat name na lang nya stephen e! kasi nung first time ko makita ung trailer si stephen arimado ang nakita ko! asteeg kaya. look-a-like sila.

-_-_-_-
Give My Love
When I look in your eyes I can see that you
Want to be with me but you're so scared
And I don't know what to say or do
But the tears keep falling from your eyes
And I know thatTimes won't change my love
And I can't do nothing to keep you

Oh, I'll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can't change my love
Take my love all through the night

As the hours pass away
You think that love ain't here to stay
Feel a beat from your chest
But you don't give doubt a moment's rest
You dream the future and all you see is dark
Listen to your heart, baby, the truth will set sparks

Now I'll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can't change my love
Take my love all through the night

Now I'll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that time won't change my love
Take my love all through the night

I'll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love, through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can't change my love
Take my love all through the night

Now I'll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can't change my love
Take my love all through the night
-_-_-_-

Save the last dance for me...

how,how could you say you love me

when you would go and leave

how could you make me hurt so bad

when i have loved you more than anybody could

can't believe the pain

that i'm feeling because by loving you

this song is entitled "how could you". it is the opm theme song for the latest koreanovela "Save the Last Dance for Me". i like this koreanovela because of the lead actor and actress. the lead character, adrian, reminds me of stephen azi. they're really look-a-likes! amazing. i also love the intro song for this show. i'm still struggling to find out the title and complete lyrics of the song and its artist. nicole said it's entitled "don't give your love away". but we're not sure, so we'll have to search more.

i have been singing the song above for the whole week. i really feel the song though i'm not sure why. i have an idea what could be the reason, but i find it quite unappropriate. it just really hurts for me. *sigh*...

this song is dedicated to my one-and-only lil sis. *sort-of-sniff*...

haaay...hope she'll be able to "save the last dance"..even if not for me...

-_-

essay ko sa english..

Journey of Friendship

In our journey through the path we call life, one of its challenges is in the form of people who are around us. One could not easily determine whom to trust and depend your life with. There are a lot of passers by who are ready to reach out in times of our need but expect a reward in return. They may be offering rides but their true intentions are deceitful. They are not worthy to be called friends.

A friend from my personal perspective, is a person I consider a chum or a crony, and more like a comrade and/or companion. Friends are ought to be the ultimate companions and more like one’s extensional being. Through the good times and even the worst, friends accompany you to get by the road easily. They stay by your side until you made it to the end of your journey. As you travel down the road, you’ll always find yourself where the road branches out to many different routes. Making a decision which path to take puts to the test your judgment and questions your beliefs. The only choice you have to make is to decide which of the roads to take. Your comrade who favors and supports your decision, should also have the guts to question and doubt your decision to make you see things in a wider point of view so that you’d be able to make not exactly the right decision, but the best one t it the norms. He shows his sincerest intentions for doing so.

What makes this journey tougher is when you seem to have lost your way. And when you look around your tour guide –a.k.a. friend- is nowhere to be found. You feel lonesome and left behind. But this is just a test of your independence and individuality. A friend may be someone to lean on but he should never carry you all throughout the journey. You are and always have been an independent soul, you just had someone to share it with. A friend trusts you and your capabilities. He’s just right behind you, not far away, to help you get up just in case you fall down. With a friend near by, you are never left behind and alone.

With a friends help in finishing the race, the finale is much savored when shared with a friend. Reaching the end together with your ultimate companion, he’d share the triumph and joys, and the burden and pains as well with you. He’d still be there right after the race but at the same time leaves and gives you a moment of selfishness.

And to top it all off, I close this essay with a quotation:
“Friendship is a mutual bond between souls which doesn’t lose the bond whether close-tight or far apart.”
- ejme